So Friday evening rolls around and it�s time for jackass to pick me up.
He arrived on time in his truck. A nice truck, not some dirty hillbilly trailer trash truck. So i see this kids face and he�s not necessarily unattractive but not exactly good looking either. He had described himself as a guy with blond streaks in his hair and that he gained 25 pounds since college. That wasn�t much to go on but if he weighed 150 in college i guess it was accurate since he was kinda pudgy, not short and stocky but short and chunky. Then their was his face. As i said he wasn�t unattractive but kinda looked like a chick in drag. That�s the best description i can offer. He had girlish features like clear skin and really red lips. But he was a guy. Kind of freaky actually.
So i get in the car and what�s the first thing he says? �I�m really nervous.� Oh god!!! Doesn�t everyone in the world know that is the #1 thing you never say on a date? Jesus. The conversation during the car ride was very boring i remember. I think he just babbled on about his day at work or something. I�m sure he was complaining about something.
We arrive at the restaurant and wait for a table. He says something to the hostess and comes back to me and says, �They said it�ll be a half hour wait.� This confused me since this restaurant wasn�t that popular and i could see that there were easily 4 or 5 empty tables. Then the hostess comes up and says she�ll seat us. He got this big grin on his face as if he was saying, �Gotcha.� That was his apparent attempt at humor. Yeah. Whatever. I knew it was going to be a long night.
We sit down and make small talk but for the most part it was dead silence. Why you ask? Well probably because he called my ass every fucking night for the past week and we ran out of shit to say. I�ll admit i was being kind of a bitch on purpose. I didn�t really offer any conversation starters.
One of my co workers had offered to call my phone during dinner so i could �escape� but i told her i would just hang in there. After all, it was a free dinner and drinks. And he admitted he had $800 on him so i wasn�t about to even offer to pay.
After a long ass dinner it was another long ass car ride to downtown for drinks. I think it was more small talk and then he said, �I really want to own a Hummer some day.� This is where the low-self esteem theory comes in. This guy is a short right? Like 5�6 tops so he feels he has to compensate for his size by getting a huge SUV right? Well, thats my theory at least.
The rest of the date consisted of me trying desperately to get wasted so i could just forget this whole night. The silence was awful but it was made worse when he actually tried to have a conversation with me it always ended up about him. This kid was so self-centered it made me sick. And everything was about his job. It always came back to his job and how great he was at it. I�m surprised he didn�t tell me how much he made, which i�m sure he was dying to tell me.
The evening just got worse as we left the bar. I thought the night was over but i was once again mistaken. This time he suggested meeting up with his friends at a pool bar. Now i love pool. I�m no shark but i think i�m pretty good for a chick. And when he mentioned friends i figured they�re probably just like him but possibly worse. But i had to find out.
Before this though he got a call on his cell from one of his friend�s mothers. Yes, thats right. His friends mom called to see how the date was going. But yes it�s gets even worse my friends. She asked him to talk to me. This is how it went:
The mom: Hi this is �so and so� one of Andre�s friends mom�s. I just want you to know that Andre is really nervous.
Me: Uhh yeah i know.
Her: Well just so you know he�s a good guy.
Me: Okay.
Her: I know he�s really nervous but he�ll calm down as the night goes on.
Me: Okay.
Her: I�ve known him for years, he�s such a nice kid.
Me: Alright.
Her: Have a good night.
Me: Bye.
FREAKS!
So that got the second place prize for the most awkward moment of the night. The first prize comes up later on.
At the pool hall i met his friends and as it turns out, they were surprisingly normal. And some of them were even cute. But as soon as i walked in, a few of them pulled me to the side and gave me the mom speech again. �Andre�s really nervous but he�s a good decent guy.� OKAY I get it already!
As i kicked all their asses at pool, they came to decide they really liked me. I almost felt bad knowing i would never see them again. At least it was a good break from talking (or not talking in this case ) to Andre for a good part of the night. His friends actually had some things of substance to say. And i always like hanging out with just guys and no girls. It�s not like an attention thing, it�s more of just the fact that i like guys more than hanging out with chick friends. Cause we all know how girls are and how annoying they can be. Probably explains why i have just a couple really good girlfriends and the rest are all guys.
We went to another dive bar for a few more alcoholic beverages but by that time i was pretty tipsy and wanted to just end this long drawn out night. I had to put an end to the misery for both of us.
On the drive home it was more of , you guessed it! DEAD SILENCE. I wanted to bring up something about how we should just be friends and stuff but how the hell do you bring that up?
I mean i really disliked this guy but i didn�t hate him. He just wasn�t my type AT ALL.
I�m sure there is some midget loving wacko out there for him, but it�s not me.
So he pulls in my driveway and here begins the First Prize for Most Awkward Moment of the Date.
Here is the conversation verbatim. I know it by heart by now from telling it countless times:
Him: �So when can I call you?� (Sidenote: Notice he said WHEN and not �Can I call you sometime?� The nerve of this guy to actually think the date went well!)
Me: Long hesitation....and then..�Tomorrow I guess.� (What was i thinking?)
Him: �Okay what time?� (JESUS! This guy is the most unbelieveably needy person i have ever met)
Me: drumroll please........�How about never?�
Ta-da!!!!
The look on his face was priceless and i actually felt so bad about it that i started apologizing profusely.
Me: � I�m sorry, i�m drunk. I don�t know what i�m saying.� (Flat-out lie).
Him: �Really?�
Me: �Um, i�m a little tipsy. (Much closer to the truth). �I just think there�s no chemistry okay?�
Him: �Okay what�s wrong with me?�
CHRIST!!! It would take months to make that list!
Me: �Um..well..uhh nothing. It�s not you, it�s me.� (Yes i actually said that and i have no idea why).
Him: �Well okay then.�
Me: �We can be friends though okay?�
Him: Sulking...�Okay.�
Me: �Well, have a good night.�
Oh, but that�s not where it ends. No. I guess i must have been tipsy because i felt even worse when i got inside that I actually called him and left him a message that i was so sorry and that we could still be friends. I just wanted to reiterate that point. I wish i could say I was stoned or something but sadly i wasnt. I had no intention of staying friends with him again but apparently the Catholic school girl in me started to feel guilty and that whole �treat others like you want to be treated� started to rear it�s ugly head.
Well, two days later guess who calls. Yes. Even after saying NEVER CALL ME AGAIN he called. And i picked up without checking the caller id.
And he called during �24� which was my favorite show which really ticked me off.
And guess how the conversation went? More bitching about his job. It was as if he was living in some alternate universe where Friday night didn�t exist to him...at least the last 5 minutes of it didn�t.
He did say �I had a really good time on Friday.� I could actually hear his voice shaking while he said it. It must have taken all the courage in the world for him to say it to me.
I didn�t respond. In fact, i dont think i said more than 5 words to him and that includes Hello and Bye.
The conversation lasted about 2 minutes. I know it was 2 minutes cause he called during the first commercial during �24� and we hung up just as it came back on. I gotta give him credit for impeccable timing.
And yes he called 2 more times that week but luckily Caller ID caught it and i never even picked up the phone.
He finally got the hint.
So ends my tale of the Worst Blind Date ever. And yes folks there are plenty of dating stories to come. And feel free to share your dating stories with me in the �notes� section. Or just link it for the rest of us to read and share in the pain and torture that is singlehood and dating in America.