It's all Captain Morgan's fault 05.17.04

Well yet another weekend for the record books.

I had the brilliant idea to take part in a Pub Crawl on Saturday from noon until, whenever. I coaxed my friend Erika to come with, and when i say coaxed i mean I asked and she said "But of course!"

It started innocent enough at the first bar. I even won tickets to Lollapalooza! Granted it's during the first day of the tour so of course i get to see the "not so great" bands but it's free and we all know i never pass up anything that's free being the cheap ass that i am.

Erika won tickets to Fleetwood Mac. And for that I give her a big Nelson "HA HA" because i mean, who likes Fleetwood Mac really?

So that was the first bar. My theory was to take things really slow. I had eaten a hearty breakfast of cereal and grilled cheese so i thought, hey i'm good for at least 3 drinks before i feel a buzz. But of course the goal was to get as many free drinks as possible seeing as though i had only about $35 on me to spend and that included food at some point during the crawl that i'm sure i would need to keep myself alive and somewhat coherent.

At the end of Bar #1 the score is

Erika: 2 Beers

Michelle: 1 Rum and Diet

Bar #2 was a new place called Bernie's. We headed to the back of the bar where they had a tent set up outside and clever little portapotties called LepreCANS. Why do you need portapotties at a bar? Beats me. I told Erika it was no time to fool around, we had to work on getting some freebies so we casually slid ourselves next to some guys who seemed like they were already a little drunk. (All the better to buy me drinks with).

I can't seem to recall how the conversation started, i think one guy used the "You have the most beautiful eyes" line and that pretty much was the beginning of the end.

A dude named Axl (yes Axl)bought me & Ericka a drink each.

Turns out it was a bachelor party. Nice.

The bachelor looked a little like Ethan Hawke. Double Nice.


Erika: 2 Beers

Michelle: 2 Rum & Cokes

(No i don't drink beer, me like the liquor)

Bar #3 was Casey Morans where Mason and Dustin and I frequented not too long ago. Read about it here I got a couple flashbacks as i walked in.

This is where my alter ego sets in I believe.

See after awhile of drinking, like anyone, I tend to become a bit louder and a bit more obnoxious. Some things you may have overheard at Bar #3:

"What's up with the fat chick? Why do girls where tight shirts like that? Hey!! I don't wanna see your rolls fattie!" I actually felt bad later for saying this although no chubby girls were harmed or even heard me. Still, my mother would be so ashamed. :(

To the Mexican in the bachelor party: "Hey, how many hubcaps did you steal tonight?"

(he laughed his ass off, cause at this point he figured out that Michelle tends to get racist when drunk).

Bachelorpartyboy: "Honey you're tongue is green. Did you blow a leprecaun or something?"

Me:"Yeah, back at the other bar in the LepreCAN." (This was a you-had-to-be-there quote)

To the only black man in the bachelor party..come to think of it he was the only black man in the bar i think. Are pub crawls for white's only or what?

"You know i could hook up with you (I'm making this PG rated actually) but i probably wouldn't be able to handle your blackness you got going on."


Erika : Lost count

Me: Fuck if i know

Bar #4 was Hi-Tops, which i usually hate for playing their music at the highest decible possible, rendering me deaf for a whole week once. But this time i was nice and drunk i don't think i cared.

I know there was dancing and much picture taking and some more drinking but that's about it. I think it was so loud i couldn't even have a decent conversation if i tried.

Bar #5 was John Barleycorn. We headed upstairs to the dancefloor but i dont remember dancing or even music. I do however remember making drunken phone calls to my friends back in Cleveland. Then some old dude kept asking me questions and by old i mean like, 45. Old for a pub crawl dont you think? I think i may have even told him he was too old to be there. Oops.

Bar #6 was next door called Sluggers. This is where i must have blacked out because i don't even remember walking into this bar. Erika told me later it was so packed that we didn't stay long.

And last but not least i made it to the last bar, Cubby Bear.

There we ran into an old co-worker of ours, Ben. I remember his mouth wide open as he looked at me which means i probably either A. Looked a lot different than what he remembers or B. Was so drunk that he didn't recognize me.

Im guessing it was C. I was so drunk and obnoxious and i was probably attempting to have a conversation with him but all that came out was "Beeennn!! Ohshit i hanve't seen you insooo lonnnng. How the fuck are you you big freak?"

Erika thought it was time to get some food in our systems so we headed back to Bar #1 with the bachelor party in tow.

I seem to recall eating mozzorella sticks, slapping some money on the table and hearing Bachelorpartyboy say to me "Hey let's go to my place and get the barbeque set up." DrunkME:"GREAT!" Oops #2.

Erika being the mega-trooper that she is actually had another party to hit that night and kept drinking until 3 AM. 13 hours. What a superstar!

So meanwhile, me and bachelorpartyboy walk 6 blocks at least to his house. After about 3 or 4 minutes the rest of the guys show up but for some reason it's decided that the barbeque ain't happing and going to strip club would be a better idea.

I have no money at this point but DrunkMe says "Great!"

We take cabs and get there around oh, 10:30 but in my mind it's gotta be around 2am. I am getting into sober up mood though. I think it happens everytime a straight chick witnesses other chicks taking their clothes off. It's a sobering moment let me tell ya.

$20 to get in and since bachelorpartyboys are wasted no one offers to pay for me. Fine, i'll just charge it. Oops #3 considering i'm flat broke.

After the bachelor got his lapdances and i get about 3 or 4 looks from some strippers, one who actually came up and said "You are seriously the cutest girl in this bar." I think she probably wanted me to buy a dance from her. SoberMe was starting to come alive so that Oops was averted.

The end of the night was not nearly as eventful. I ended up leaving after bacherlopartyboys got annoying. I was home by midnight. How anticlimactic!

So when's the next pubcrawl?

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